I have not been so in touch (at least intellectually) with the cosmos the last week because they have blatantly told me to understand through FEELING what is happening, rather than creating/searching for words. of course, words come, but words are just a way to relate to one another -- without others, we would have no need for words, for expression (verbal, physical, emotional, creative...). they are our way of seeing and being seen, hearing and being heard.
there ARE others, and it is with PURPOSE that we share space together. so I'm choosing to embrace both my aloneness and my shared space with others.
briefly, just affirm this out loud:
I am here to be seen - I see you!
I am here to be seen - I see you!
a few days ago, I was sooooo angry. so angry. I was screaming, crying, fuming. I had to lock myself in my car to let it all out... and then a girlfriend held space for me to let it all out via my words and tears. and grunts. I just allowed it all to flow out of me without any resistance.
eventually the anger turned into the real situation: I was scared of being rejected, of being unloved, of forgetting all that I am and all that I have chosen for myself out of fear...
what it all came down to was the question, "what would love do?"
I'm so grateful that I decided to be so vulnerable for myself through the confusion and perceived chaos of trying to understand myself through another (or just externals in general). crying is so therapeutic. as is dancing. as is singing. as is howling. as is painting. as is sleep. as is (present) love making.
I'm going to just throw some stuff out there, on the off-shoot that you and I are in a very similar feeling and experience space... and if not, my output is helping me towards clarity of what I've been experiencing and also witnessing.
relationships are the ultimate mirror. we will, without a doubt, see all parts of ourselves when we choose to enter a close dynamic with another human. this can be scary/shaky if we are not ready to face the things we have been hiding from, resisting, repressing, denying - heck, this can be scary even if we ARE ready. but the key here is that we enter relationships, especially romantic ones, so that we may learn and grow and become more fully integrated into our higher selves.
dig that! we get to grow!
...if we CHOOSE to...
we also get to choose the speed and rate and depth and height that we'd like to grow. and our choice is not dependent on anybody else. just us. meaning, if I am in a relationship that is inviting me to grow exponentially and quickly, I can choose at any time to slow down or pause if it is not feeling right, if I am scared, if I am confused and do not hear my inner guidance speaking clearly. my partner, too, has the choice to decide if that pace is what he is currently looking for or not. same same if the roles are reversed.
no matter what decision we ever make, it is the 'right' one because it is the one we make. we are always doing our best based on the current moment which carries so many factors, some seen/known and some not.
now, three big deep slow breaths in and out through the nose...
I feel especially inclined to say that a romantic partnership requires a shift in perspective, a shift in priorities. in no way does this mean that we must give up our own sense of identity or goals or dreams when we choose to enter into partnership. a relationship is an opportunity for two whole individuals to come together in support of two separate lives to co-create more beauty and bliss.
I think sometimes, at least in my past experience, we can look to another to fill a space inside ourselves that feels empty. truthfully, there is no way that another can bring us happiness. and as often as it is said, it is Truth. our hearts are whole on their own and are not for us to give - they are for us to share by radiating our love, and allowing another to share theirs.
one of my favorite OSHO tarot cards is the one of friendliness... it has a beautiful picture of two trees standing tall with their leaves joining and falling together at the base, creating a beautiful blend of complimentary colors. and just underneath, the roots remain separate and solid in their own foundation.
when making love, we merge with our beloved, and in that union we have the opportunity to feel the Source from which we all emanate. but we must separate from our beloved in order to know what union feels like... because if we remained intertwined, we would just be IN Love, and there would be no concept of it because it would be all that existed... but that's not why we are human. we are here to experience both the separation and the union. perhaps it is a gift to us to make love to our beloveds so we may remember who we really are...
a relationship is an opportunity to be honest with ourselves, and to have a sound board to express that honesty. if clouded by assumptions/judgements/fears, it is possible we can begin to speak and act inauthentically, which from my own experience proves unfruitful for proper pairing and honest romance. and for this, it is important to have alone time to reflect and engage with oneself so we can know more clearly what it is we want/need/feel, both in and out of relationship. when we're choosing to be in partnership, honest and loving communication allows for the growth -- and if the union is no longer serving, it can allow for a grateful and kind separation.
to me, this is what I am agreeing to strive for when entering into union with another:
"Entering into a significant relationship requires shifting your perspective to incorporate the concept of "we" as well as "me." A lasting positive result can only be created through sincerity, not strategy (which is the opposite of sincerity). Success comes through the process of being candid, open, genuine, and truthful about your honest reactions to outer circumstances as they occur, regardless of any imagined outcome. A mutually satisfying relationship is the result of your inner authenticity."
- Jan Spiller
of course, this is the ideal that I choose to strive towards because this is where I am at... we are each here to make our decisions about how we want our relationships to look/feel, and there is no one way.
all that being said... I think it may prove beneficial to ask ourselves WHY we are happy alone... and WHY we are happy in partnership... to me, it's not so much about making lists of pros or cons and weighing the decision. it's about getting real with ourselves about the stories we've been told or telling that may not hold true anymore (or maybe they never did...)
these bumps/hurdles/hardships we face in relationships (and of course this is not reserved exclusively for romantic ones) are here for our benefit. I believe we get to choose how much/if we suffer - again, no choice is right or wrong, it's just reflective of where we are in any given moment. I have been requesting more ease, more grace, more gentle growth spurts. I have also been asking for the strength to prepare and endure for whatever decisions I make.
I notice that so much of what I am feeling or how I am acting is a mirror of what the other is experiencing... and vice versa. and sometimes the solution is found in letting go of my pride and stubbornness before the other - ain't that humbling!
courage is walking into what you think may be defeat with your heart held high and your truths held higher than the opinions of others (there's only one person who can know your truth and that is YOU)
whatever it is you are going through, ESPECIALLY if you do not understand it, just let it happen. ride it out. give yourself the space, the time, the compassion to just get it all out. side note - anger is a very foreign emotion to me, so when it erupts, I can become very confused and out of sorts. perhaps whatever you are feeling right now isn't something you are familiar with? maybe something you haven't allowed in your life?
just trust that the beauty comes after the breakdown. there are clear skies and new land before you -- big changes that may seem to rock your foundation could be occurring, but whatever is happening is for your highest good so know that, trust that, surrender to the unknown and believe that you are being carried exactly where you are supposed to be.
my current mantras:
be REAL. this is your power.
think/speak/act from your HEART - this is your center.
remember, suffering is optional.
I send infinite amounts of love and grace your way, and trust Whole Heartedly that you will be clear enough and strong enough and courageous enough to listen to the guidance that comes.